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Tuesday, June 3, 2014

The Hand

I sit, I pace, I think, I wonder, I blankly stare. I pack up our life or what was our life, and I wonder whose life it really was. I wake up every day seeing the fog slowly clear. The fog that has clouded my judgement and vision for so long. It is uncertain whether this mist is settling or dissipating all together, and I am not actually sure which would be better or if it even matters. I am just glad it is leaving. This fog has kept me blind for so long that all I could do was merely reach out and grab the first hand I could feel. I have spent my life searching for a the next fingertip to graze mine, then I could grab another hand and let it pull me further. I am not exactly sure when this fog rolled in, and from a forecaster's perspective I do know that I was not warned of it. Some hands I grabbed along the way were only pulling me deeper into the abyss. So deep that it became more confusing than a maze, and all the strength I had was to sit on the ground balled up and wait. The last hand that I hope to ever have to take was the one that possibly saved my life. This hand found me and reached out to help me up. Over the past few years this hand pulled me so close to the edge of the fog that I could feel it's nearing end. I let go..... Was this hand going to pull me the rest of the way? Was this hand going to pull me through the edge of the fog and immerse me in immediate sunlight? While the notion was overwhelmingly comforting, it was still unsatisfying. I reached out to take the hand again and realized that my arm wouldn't raise. I knew what my mind wanted but my body wouldn't listen. Puzzled, I sat back down. This hand came into the fog again and grabbed my hand, hoisting me up with little effort, then it let go and was gone. At first I wondered why it left me... but as I stood there at the edge of the fog I then realized that this hand understood. I was one last clasp from never needing a hand to grab again. Standing at the edge of the fog I waited, for what, I am not sure. That is when the fog began to clear. As it cleared I looked down to find that I was on a path. I turned and looked behind me, and turned and looked ahead. This path was the longest path I have ever seen. As I looked back again I saw for miles and miles, what seemed like it might be the circumference of the earth unraveled. But this path was so windy and hilly and contained forks, bends, and even roundabouts. I wanted so badly to go back and fix it. Why can't it be a straight path? Why can't it be beautifully paved with flowers lining the edges along the way? I looked ahead again and noticed the path in front of me was not visible in the distance. The horizon was so close, it seemed, that it cut off my vision to the rest of the path. And then I was aware, for the first time, that I was supposed to be on it. Suddenly I felt the sun's warmth in every pore and every cell of exposed skin. I could feel my body eating its rays like they had been starved to the brink of death. I closed my eyes and saw that hand, I wanted so badly to hold onto it again, if only for a second. I opened my eyes and saw it. It was waving at me off in the distance. It was on a different path and as my eyes followed its course back I saw it connect to mine not far behind me. It was no longer on my path though. I wanted to just sit down again, I turned to look at the hand again and it waved me on. An encouraging nudge to start moving. I smiled, turned, and began to take the first step on my own...

Monday, December 17, 2012

Don't worry, Be happy

Facing big life decisions is difficult, but in thinking about it... Why does it have to be? Throughout our lives we do what we can to make sure that we are happy. If we are not achieving personal happiness then I feel most other things in life begin to suffer. I had a friend recently ask me, "What would you do if there were no consequences?" This question really struck a chord. I often ask people what they would do with their lives if money were no object. And I feel this is an important question to consider as well. While money is an object, happiness is a way of life. It seems like we take many things as they come and just accept it as "life". Some things are out of our control, but not everything needs to be dismissed. If we were forced into a situation that we didn't want to be in, we would not allow it to continue very long. So why do we accept some situations? Why do we stay in dead end jobs that we don't enjoy, or stay in relationships that can be unhealthy? What is it in us that makes these situations seem acceptable to stay in, but in other uncomfortable situations we find a way out? If you look at your life and can say, "Yes I am happy" then things are going well. But if you look at your life and think, "I wish this were different" then why wouldn't you change that? Taking a hard look at one's life, without justifying your circumstance or pretending to be happy, can be a big eye opener for a lot of people. Don't allow yourself to feel stuck. Don't accept situations you don't want to be in. If it affects others make sure you keep them in mind and be respectful, but don't put others' happiness before your own because nine times out of ten, they aren't doing that.

If we do not achieve complete personal happiness, other happiness' will falter and perhaps fail. I feel that it is so important to make sure we are doing all that we can to make ourselves happy. If there is something that you want, get it. If there is something you want to do, do it. If there is somewhere you want to go, go there! Don't let anything stand in your way, because it won't go away, and denying yourself true happiness is no way to live. What I mean by true happiness is, not falsified happiness. Not superficial fixes to a bad situation, or self medication to numb the pain of defeat. True happiness is the raw and real happiness that only we can create and give to ourselves. Allow yourself that, and all other things will just fall into place. So think to yourself, "What would I do if there was no consequence?" If you can answer that, good! If you can get yourself as close to it as possible, even better!


Sometimes I wake up feeling so tired, like my eyes are holding the weight of a world that I don't want to face. I sit here everyday on my laptop in my living room doing homework, eating, watching YouTube, playing video games... And sometimes I think.."What is the point of all this?" Now, don't get me wrong, I don't wonder this in a morbid suicidal way, I just wonder what goals I have, and what I am truly capable of. But less do I wonder that, than about other people. Everyday I sit here, I get more and more wrapped up in my own life and the more self-involved I become. It worries me that I am losing touch with an outside world. It worries me that life still goes on. No matter what, it will ALWAYS go on. We can't be part of everything, but being part of nothing feels worse. Life is very overwhelming most of the time, but if it is threatened things suddenly seem so clear to us. I have never experienced that, and I suppose that is why I try to humble myself every now and again. We have to remind ourselves of all that we have. All we are consumed with is what we don't have and very precious moments slip by unnoticed. Those moments turn into hours, days, years, and even decades before we stop to even realize what has happened. If every person in the world woke up everyday and first thought to themselves... what is going to be my goal for today? There should be a set of goals for each day though like: Help someone who needs it, think kindly of another person, try to learn one new thing, or let someone know you were thinking about them. If we woke up each day with goals like those I feel like this world would be a different place. And to be honest those goals are so simple and attainable that it almost seems stupid to even consider. But why not? I know it seems naive, but honestly think. How does it make you feel to just imagine doing a nice thing for someone who may need it? It feels pretty satisfying just to think about. I don't know what the point to all of this is, and the more I wonder the more I realize maybe that IS the point, to wonder. Never stop wondering, never stop growing. We don't want to squander our opportunities, and we don't want to take things for granted. I wish there were a way to reach out to every person in the world and ask them to just try. Try to consider other people. We are slowly trashing our world and being oblivious isn't working anymore. Why is it that so many people survive on so little and so many others have way too much? Life doesn't seem fair and neither does the world, but why do we just accept that? It may be hard to get even one person to change, but it seems impossible to get 7 billion people to. If we all believed the same things life may be easier, but a hell of a lot more boring. That is the point of tolerance. We as humans have so little of it anymore, but tolerance is important because difference exists. We all view difference as a bad thing, but it is something that should be celebrated.

Brain Power

While on my run this morning I was really feeling like I wanted to stop or faint, most likely both if it came to it. But then, and this happens often, I rounded the corner down the road that meant the last mile to home and  slowly this wave of energy overcame me. My pace went from what seemed like 12 minute miles to about 8 minute miles. I see two reasons for this, one is because it is a downhill and two is that I seem to get this high from almost being done with a workout. No matter what I am doing I always get this sudden burst of energy and feel completely fine right near the last few minutes of a workout. This disappoints me in a number of ways! Should I lengthen my run? No because if I do that I will no longer be near the end and this feeling will go away. Did I have this energy the whole time? I had to have, but how does it allude me for 2.5 miles and decide to show up at the end? And then I started to wonder about the human mind and mental will power. Could it be like that feeling before people die, when their body knows it's over and they make a miraculous recovery for a couple days? I feel like the human mind is capable of so much that we don't even realize. It is said that we generally use about 10% of our brain throughout our life. So what about the other 90%? I want to tap into that brain power. There has to be something there that I can use...

Thursday, November 8, 2012


I am a well rounded person, I feel. I have a general curiosity for life and still childish wonders, I possess so much potential but keep myself humble, and I wish the best for everyone in this world while also focusing on the best for myself. I laugh and make others laugh, I cry and at times make others cry, I love and make others love, I dislike and make others dislike... I am human, I am a woman, I am a girl, I am me.

Throughout life we go through what has been theorized as psychological and physical stages. Most every person goes through the same stages, perhaps not at the same time, and not in the same way due to different environments. Parents peers and society put pressures on us as we grow. But eventually we become the people that we are going to be for the rest of our lives and ultimately we are the only ones that can control that.

There is only one person that has control of our actions, one person that has control of our futures and none of our pasts. One person who knows everything about us, every action we take or contemplate taking, and every thought we have ever had. The one person that truly knows who we are and who we want to be and judges us wholly on those facts. In many societies and cultures there are variations of this person but in most Christian religions this person is God. The following words are not intended to discredit anyone's beliefs or views, I am simply stating mine as everyone is allowed the right to choose what they believe. Because that is just it, a right. Rights are important and I think some people have a gross misunderstanding of the word right. There is one person in the world that has the right to control you and that is not God it is You. I feel like the idea of God is the idea of one's conscience. And God, to me, is an acronym, Governing One's Decisions, GOD. I don't need a back story, I don't need a building to be in, and I do not need other people telling me how to act think and feel. There is a simple right and wrong in the world and our conscience helps guide us away from the wrong. When it falters there are laws in place to help us stay the course. I try to be a decent person, an honest person, and a thoughtful person. Because while I am the only person in control of my life there are 7 billion others on this planet just like mine.

Again, I am not discrediting God or Church because in ways it is helpful to have something that keeps you honest. The conviction that religion holds is just what some people need. Either way, we all have the ability of free thought and in America we are given the right of choice. Whatever it is that you believe, don't forget that your conscience is truly what governs you. You are the only person that can control you, and you can't control anyone else.